Explode
by loversrebellion
Summary: Even in Spencer's dreams, Emily is the center of everything, like the sun. In which everything else revolves around her. Spencer doesn't mind being in her gravitational pull. Spemily/Hanily
1. Speak

_-Explode-_

_-Ships: Spemily vs Hanily- _

_-Pretty Little Liars-_

_-Chapter 1: Speak-_

_A/N: Please let me know if I should continue._

"You're terrified..." Spencers voice trails down the empty dark hallway to reach Emily. Emily shakes out of her sleepy state and looks the direction of a concerned Spencer walking her way. She doesn't speak though, she just watches Spencer's lips move as advice gets thrown at her.

"Ems, we can talk about it." Emily sighs because that is the last thing on her mind.

"There's nothing...to talk about." She says, turning back away from Spencer.

"There is everything to talk about." Spencer argues with Emily.

"You're right, you're always right." Is the last thing Emily says before getting up from the stool and disappearing upstairs. Spencer watches her speed away, with a stained frown.

"I will just give it time." She whispers to herself, walking over to sit on her couch. Her hands rubs across the surface. Feeling the soft fabric beneath her fingers. Her head slightly falls back to rest her thoughts. More like form more of them and try to sort them out.

"She just needs her time." She says quietly to the ceiling. It seems like it echoes back to lay inside her ears and soak into her brain.

'Emily has been through life and death but now it's time for me to revive her. I need her...she needs me.' Spencer centers her thoughts around Emily. It has gotten easier and easier to do so. But to get out of the cage filled with just Emily in the middle of her mind, is getting harder and harder to do. She thinks that somewhere along the way starting with meeting Emily that a lock has begin to latch itself on the imaginary cage door. And the lock is getting harder and harder to pick. Spencer begins to drift off, her eyelids get heavy. She tries to fight it but her stress takes over.

Even in Spencer's dreams, Emily is the center of everything, like the sun. In which everything else revolves around her. Spencer doesn't mind being in her gravitational force. In fact she enjoys it but it's only in her dreams. Because she knows in reality her and Emily are drifting apart.

A bright light in the middle of the night causes Spencer to wake. She sees Emily through her squinted eyes. One of Emily's hands lays on the open fridge door. The other holding a phone, as she whispers into it.

"Hanna, why are you even awake?" Spencers eyes widen, surprise to the fact that Hanna would even be up this late or early to talk to Emily. She can't hear a word that Hanna is saying, which makes her curious.

Emily tries her hardest to stay quiet to not wake Spencer up. Little does she know that Spencer is watching her every move, and hearing every sound she makes.

"Shouldn't you be laying down with Caleb?" She almost sounds angry when she asks Hanna that.

"Yes Han I am ok. Why wouldn't I be? Spencer takes care of me." Spencer almost smiles at that until Emily harshly whispers into the phone.

"Why would you even ask me that?" "Han you must be drunk or something." Emily tries to straighten out her thoughts as Hanna whispers pointless, meaningless things to her. Asking her if she is ok, if Spencer was treating her right. It didn't make any sense.

"I'm just thinking of you that's all." Hanna admits to Emily "I just had to talk to you, hear your voice. I miss you."

"Why are you acting like this?" Emily asks, raising Spencer's concern to a higher leve.

"Han you are acting like a young teenage boy in love." Something in Spencer's heart freezes then boils, and she tries with all her might not to say anything to the communication going between only Hanna and Emily. That she isn't even suppose to be hearing right now.

"Because I am...just, just not the boy part. Em...I love you, you're all I think about. I can't stand keeping it inside anymore."

Emily nearly drops the phone but instead she closes the fridge door. Spencer tries to act quickly asleep.

"Han I think you have me mistaken for Caleb."

"No, no Em I am sure of this."

"Ok well I don't know what to say."

"Just say if you feel the same or not."

"Honestly I do but Caleb is the one you should feel that way for." Emily says before, ending her phone call and tip toeing to Spencer.

"Aw I bet she's cold, I better get her a blanket." Emily whispers to herself quickly tip toeing upstairs to grab a blanket and then tip toe back down stairs.

"Here you go Spence" She says, laying the cover over Spencer and tucking her in. She smiles, and kisses Spence on her forehead.

"I'm sorry Spence I know you are trying your hardest but it's going to take time." Emily quietly runs back upstairs and doesn't come back for the rest of the night.

Spencer just cuddle with the cover that has Emily's scent rubbed on it. And searches through her mind for a lockpick before she gets locked in here.


	2. I just dont know

_-Explode-_

_-Chapter 2: I just don't know what to do with myself.-_

_-Spencer's POV-_

I wake up to the scent of sweet vanilla coffee, that no one let's me make anymore. Sadly because they can't take the 'bitterness'. But whatever then, Emily is walking around the kitchen in her pajamas. Holding her phone to her ear by her shoulder just like last night, I frown at the thought for some random reason.

"Oh Spence hey you're awake, good sleep?" Emily seems to be way more lightened up than she was last night when Hanna said that weird stuff to her.

"Oh um yeah."

"Well come over here sleepy head." I stay confused but walk over there anyway.

"Here say hi to Hanna while I finish cooking the eggs." She says handing me the phone, I stare at it slightly for a little but before taking it in my own hand. I hold it up to my ear and do what Emily told me to do.

"Hello?"

"Hey Spence"

"Hey Han"

"So what has been going on? It's been awhile."

"Well I have just been hanging out with Em, what about you?"

"Oh um, I have been with Caleb. We have got to spend more time together."

"That's good, you two were separated for a while."

"Yeah we were. Has Em been doing good?"

"Yeah she is now, I have helped her heal...I mean get better."

"How did you do it?"

"Well the top thing was just to be by her side at all times."

"Oh well..."

"Ok Spence you can give the phone back if you want."

"Yeah sure, here." I don't even bother to say bye to Hanna, I don't know why id don't want to.

"Hey Han sorry I just had to finish cooking, so what are you doing?"

Emily is so much happier than last night that I don't know if I should question it or let it slide and be glad. Yes of course I want Emily to be happy, that's all I have ever wanted. But some selfish part of me wants to know the reason why. Why she is happy and who or what is the cause.

"Here Spence" She hands me a plate, with eggs, bacon and pancakes. I sit down at the counter without a word and eat it. From time to time I look up to see Emily's glowing smile, and golden laugh ring in my ears. This is where that saying 'the way to a mans heart is through his stomach' may apply. Only if I was a man. My heart sinks and floats in my chest, like it can't stay still when I am around Emily. If only I knew what I felt I would try to tell her. Try to explain to her, but first I need to understand it myself.

I lead myself to think that Hanna is the one making her smile, laugh and cheer. And when I do my heart sinks again. It might drown if I don't control these kind of weird and annoying thoughts.

"Oh really haha do you think Caleb will be ok with that?"

"Ok well let's meet up somewhere."

My head jerks back up from my plate, and my eyes lock themselves on her. She turns around and looks at me for a while. Causing my cheeks to warm, I quickly look back at my plate and finish eating.

"Spencie, will it be alright if Hanna comes over here for a little while?" My heart jumps at the nickname, she hasn't called me that since we were little. And I just can't say no.

"Oh yeah sure, I don't mind." I cover up my cheeks with my hands, to hide that fact that I'm blushing. I wish I didn't know I was so it wouldn't be so embarrassing.

"She said it's ok, what time are you going to come?"

"Yeah that's fine that will give me time to clean up."

"Ok bye love you, muah!" I makes a kissey noise at Hanna through the phone. Which throws me off.

"Spence, Han will be here around four."

"Ok what time is it?"

"Nine" She says with a luring smile.

"I will help you clean, then."

"Ok thank you."

"No prob."

I wash the dishes as she rinses them, between each dish I hand her, we look at each other.

"Spence so you want to talk about last night because..."

"It's ok." I rush out, my voice barely audible. She sighs quietly and her eyes wander away from mine.

"Spence I haven't told you things, that I should tell you." My ears work twice as harder and my heart starts to beat twice as faster.

"Like what?" I ask, shakily, and she takes a deep breath.

"Hanna and me..." She pauses everything she is doing and looks at me.

"Hanna and you?" I repeat back to her, scared what she is yet to say.

"Me and Hanna have this connection that I can't completely explain. But I will attempt to if you want to hear." I'm scared no more like terrified of what this conversation might turn into. But I am curious, this is what I have been wanting to know. What has been going on between those to that does require or involve me.

"I want to hear." I whisper, she takes my hand in hers, not caring if it still has soap on it or if hers still has water. The water from our hands drops to the floor, and I look as each drop splatters and expands. When I look back up she is closer and her eyes are filled with me.

"Hanna told me that she was in love with me last night, and I didn't believe her. But now I do because well...i hung up on her after she confessed. But I built up enough courage to call her back. And she still answered. She listened to all I had say and I listened to all she had to say. I have come to realize I feel somewhat the same."

"Oh..." is all I can say I know I sound disappointed. She notices to and frowns.

I let my hand slide away from her grip down her palm until our hands our no longer connected.

"No Spence" she whispers, grabbing my hand again.

"What is it?" I ask because I really don't know what is going on. Something tells me neither does she.

"I don't know this is."

"This?" I ask, raising our hands up, together. She nods.

"There is nothing...just best friends. You love Hanna, Hanna loves you. So this is nothing." I try to not seem so cruel, because it also hurts me to hear my own words.

"That's what I was going to explain to you also."  
"What Ems?"

"I think I love you too."

"Emily you have to know if you love someone. You can't just think you do. You are going to hurt someone that way."

"But I just know I feel something strong for you."

"Don't just assume."

"Do you love me?" She asks me, and I can't focus on anything else other than trying to answer her question.

"I can't say because I don't know." A knocking at the door interrupts us and Emily quickly lets go of my hand, and walks over to the door, and opens it. Hanna stands on the other side with a smile, greeting Emily with a big hug and a small kiss on the cheek and undeniably it makes my heart burn.


	3. All These Emotions

Explode

Chapter 3: All These Emotions

Spencer's POV

Why? Why do we do things to makes us more sad than we already are? We purposely hurt ourselves just like others do to us. Is that we it feels like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the ground as they float higher and higher. I watch as Hanna lightly brushes her hand against Emily's. They share giggles and deep glances. I watch and hope it will soon go away because I just can't take it. From time to time they include me in their secret conversations. I answer any question honestly with no want to do so. I try to laugh but I'm afraid it will just come out as a whimper. So I stay silent until I am spoken to.

"Spencer don't you think Emily is beautiful?" Hanna asks me with a smile. I look at Emily which cheeks are darkened and she has her cute shy smile showing. But her eyes are curious.

"Yes, she is very beautiful." I say boldly, and I try to look away from her so I wont tempt myself to say anything else. But she holds me in place.

"I will be right back" Hanna announces as she walks away up the stairs.

"Do you really think I'm beautiful?"

"Yes of course, you're gorgeous." Her smile never goes away.

"Well you are also..." She hides her face in her hands.

"What? I am also what?" I ask, gently trying to move her hands from her face. She slightly peeks up at me before covering up her face again.

"You're beautiful too." She whispers, and I can't help but grin widely.

"Thank you cutie"

"Shhhh you're making me blush" She says putting her finger on my lips.

"Yeah I can tell" I laugh, she playfully punches my arm.

Emily just has that effect on me she can make me sink make me float. She can pull me closer even if we are tearing apart.

"Oh" Hanna voice interrupts the moment me and Emily were sharing.

"Oh" Emily echoes back at her, she quickly turns around to look at Hanna.

"Oh what?" I ask even though I know.

"Oh I don't know" Hanna says.

"Enough with the oh's" I say

"Oooooook" Emily laughs. Hanna even chuckles I just smile.

"Well guys I gotta head out, Caleb wants me to go home for some reason."

"Awww he misses you" Emily tells her.

"Damn right he does." She gives Emily a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and she gives me a small hug and a kiss on the top of my head. Before she leaves.

"Wow that was weird"

"What?"

"Hanna has never kissed me before."

"Yeah I know haha well Spence. Did it bother you?"

"No it was just random"

I don't want to be rude to Hanna I don't dislike her. I just feel that she needs to take a few steps away from Emily. She has Caleb, I have no one to call my own ever since Toby left. Emily and I should be together, I know we belong together. But I can't find enough courage in myself to take the first step. I am going to lose her that way.

Emily lays her head on my shoulder. And I want to tell her so badly stop playing games. But I can't say that I don't enjoy it sometimes. It's going to be a long road before I actually get to call her mine. I know there will be tears, screams, laughter, smiles, pain, anger, happiness. But that is what love is and I am willing to go through it all. I'll fight because that's what a girl need is for someone to fight for her.

A/N: I promise the next chapter will be longer and have more going on. Sorry I haven't been writing as much but I am going to try to catch up now that it's summer.


	4. Fix what is broken

_-Explode-_

_-Chapter 4: Fix what is broken.-_

_-Emily's POV-_

"Spence that tickles" I let her know, she just continues to drag her fingertips across my leg leading up to my thigh then all the way down to my foot as it curves.

"Oh well I'm sorry. I can't keep my hands off of you." Her voice sounds distant even though she is right beside me.

"You don't have to apologize for that. I don't mind this." She lets her smile show and her eyes glow.

"Oh so you don't mind if I do this." She aims for my hips, wiggling her fingers in the air. I grab her wrists to try to keep her from tickling me.

"Spence please" I chuckle turning my body away from her, trying to cover myself.

"From now on its the tickle monster rawr." My back finds its way back to the couch as she straddles my thigh.

"You can't run away from me." She pinches my hips and I squeal.

"Spencie" I scream, wiggling from her grasp. She loosens up a little bit and I take the chance to slip away. I run behind the couch before she can grab me again.

"Haha I got away from the tickle monster." I taunt her, shaking my butt at her. She laughs with so much joy and I just know this is how things should be.

"But you can't get away from the master Spencie ha ha." She leaps over the couch and tackles me to the ground, straddling my thigh again. She hurries and grabs my wrists and pins them to the floor.

"If you are using your hands to hold me down how are you suppose to tickle me then huh master?" I ask giving her a convincing wink.

"Oh I know" She shouts as if a tiny light bulb just turned on in her head. She dips her face into my neck barely nipping at me with her teeth. It does more than tickle, my eyes close. I still feel her eyes on me, burning on my skin.

"Em you want me to keep going don't you?" She whispers so soothingly against my ear. I slightly nod without a thought to say otherwise.

"What do you want me to do to you?" I never knew Spencers voice could alone seduce me so much. That it makes my abs twitch, and my hips vulnerable to her touch.

"Just keep talking"

"Em" She breathes my name onto my chest then seals it with a kiss.

"You like this, my hands on you?" She asks without even meaning to be sexy but I cant help but want to give in.

"Yes I love it, I love you."

"You love me?"

"Yes."

"This is just a moment isn't it?"

"No. This is a special moment that I will always remember. There will never be a time that I won't want to."

"Are you sure of that?"

"Yes Spence I am sure of it. This is us."

"We don't even know what us is."

"This is."

"What is this then Em?"

"Love and that is all that matters."

"That is not all that matters."

"Then what else is there Spence? If not love?"

"I did not say there was not any love. I just think there is more to us."

"Yes you are right about that. But what else do you think matters?"

"The fact that you hurt me everytime Hanna and you are together. When you hold her and kiss her while she has another and I have no one, not even myself. Because you have me. It isn't fair Ems. It isn't fair to me and the broken heart you hold for me."

"Spence I am sorry for not loving you enough as I should." I get up from beneath her to hold her against me.

"If you want I could give yourself back to you."

"It isn't possible I will always belong to you."

"Then here you can have me as well." I kiss her gently against her forehead, and slowly lead my lips down her nose to her lips. I pause before kissing her to look into her eyes. Neither of us speak. Her eyes show me the skies. Were we dance with no worry or agony. The sun soaks into our hair and skin. In slow circles we move with a smile on our faces and a twinkle in our eyes.

When our lips touch and our eyes close. I feel as if the clouds cover around us. To make us become one.

She becomes mine and I become hers. We remain in a fantasy that lets our souls wander off together. I will pledge to keep this bond alive. I will stay faithful to her. Because now I feel as what she has felt all along. I will take care of her, I promise us.


	5. I love you as you love me

_-Explode-_

_-Chapter 5: I love you as you love me-_

_-Emily's POV-_

I remember when Hanna used to talk to me about Mona all the time. I never minded because I was the only one that she could talk to about it. I soon to begin to realize, jealousy was coming my way. For reasons that I could not explain at first. This is when Spencer was with Toby. I was closest to Hanna than Spencer and Aria, those two were as close as me and Hanna were. That is how it was, and that is how it stayed for a while. Until Hanna met Caleb and Toby moved away. Hanna slipped away from me and Spence slipped to me. Since Aria fell into the arms of Ezra. It was weird how I thought about what Mona might have be feeling time from time. To lose her only true friend twice. So one time I talked to her, I was curious to how she had been holding on.

_"Has it been hard without Hanna?" _

_ "Yes it has. I always catch myself missing her."_

_ "I understand you two were very close."_

_ "She was my everything and she still is."_

I felt so bad for Mona, she became depressed. It was plain for me to see. The dried tears on her cheeks every morning at school. Maybe I was the only one that cared. Because it was my fault, I was the main one that stole Hanna away from her.

Before Hanna left Mona I could tell they had something stronger than just friendship. Even if they were best friends, there was something else holding them together. I remember Hanna telling me that she loved Mona. But it didn't sound like a casual "i love her" I could tell that she meant more by how much she let show. The way I found out for sure is when they were parked outside my house. Mona was dropping her off and I watched from my bedroom window. Hanna tried to get out of the car but Mona grabbed her hand, desperately. The tears in Hanna's eyes were unbearable to see as she got back in the car. Mona still held on to her hand. Though I couldn't hear what they were saying. I could tell the words were strong. That's when I saw Hanna kiss Mona, it was the most passionate kiss I ever came to see in my life.

I never really knew Hanna to be a passionate person, but she proved me so wrong. It hurt to watch, but I just couldn't bring myself to look away. I still feel like they should have been together and I still think they do.

Caleb treats Hanna right, I know that and I am not saying they don't make a good couple. I can just see that Hanna isn't completely happy with him. Because she still loves Mona I feel it. I feel that their passion is still roaming around them when they get the chance to see each other. And, when they aren't around each other it makes its way inside of them.

That's why the very first time I kissed Hanna it felt so wrong and I hated that I wanted more. I saw pictures of Mona crying flashing in my head until I began to cry. I wanted her and at the same time I wanted her to be with Mona. It was always complicated. Day by day, month by month we grew apart again, because she began to give all her time to Caleb. Spencer was here for me all the time. Maya came along, she took my heart and took care of it the best she could.

And truthfully I did not pay attention to where the others went. Or what they did I was too focused on Maya and every charm she had. In the months I was with her, it was not like any other. I fell in love with her. I had something with Maya that I couldn't have with Hanna but I did want. All that want for Hanna just went away and was replaced with Maya. I learned how to not worry. She taught me how to live without pain.

Kissing her, left me with no regret just happiness in the form of a taste of a touch, of a whole person. When she was taken away from me for reasons I do not know. That is what hurt me even more. Not knowing why I had to lose her. I was a wreck, so Spencer came to save me. But I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. But I was also so weak that I gave in. I didn't care what happened to me if it did anymore. Spence was there every single time. To wipe away every single tear to hold my every finger. She loved me more than I could bare at the moment. So I pushed her away, I didn't mean to hurt her. I think she understood but sometimes her thoughts would argue with each other. But Spence has always been the strongest and I have always admired her for it.

I will always be thankful for how much she sacrificed for me. And how much she helped me through every single thing. I love her and I will do everything I can in my power not to give into Hanna for the sake of all of us.


	6. I won't let you fall apart

_~Explode~_

_~Chapter 6: I won't let you fall apart~_

"Your eyes are so curious." Hanna whispers with a sly tone to Emily.

Emily returns with just a smug look on her face, both of her hands resting on her kneecaps. Her back tense with nervousness. Every couple of minutes her fingers twitch, and she takes a deep breath. It actually just feels like she isn't breathing at all. Like she cant absorb any air, the only thing her body absorbs is Hanna's precious gaze, and her honey scent. She closes her eyes to make the image vanish long enough to actually let her think. Her thoughts capture her previous sight, and now Hanna is in her head, she is spreading throughout her, and she can't stop it.

"I...I can't do this, don't look at me." Emily blurts out, her eyes still squeezed shut.

Hanna's eyes go wide and dilate to the presence of this insane but cute Emily. She smiles and nods though she knows Emily isn't looking.

"Can I at least still talk to you?" Hanna asks with no sharp edge in her voice, all is smooth and it makes Emily shake.

"Ye...yes, but please..."

"Please what?"

"Don't talk so calmly."

"Why?"

"I AM TRYING TO RESIST YOU!"

"Oh" "I'm sorry"

"Don't be I need to tell you this anyway."

"What is it?"

"I am with Spence now so I can't be in love with you anymore."

"When did that happen?"

"Last night."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you understand and that you won't love me anymore either."

"How can I?"

"I don't know just figure it out. I don't want to hurt Spence."

"I understand and respect that but I can't fall out of love with you."

"Why, why can't you? I need you to."

"It can't happen. I can't just out of thin space make my heart get rid of you. Me and you have something rather you want to admit it or not, it's here. Here with us in this very room, in the very space between us."

"But I feel that way for Spence."

"You feel it for me too, before her. Now you are going to replace me."

"You have Caleb, I have felt replaced for as long as I can. I want someone I can call mine too."

"IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! YOU KNOW IN A **HEARTBEAT** I WOULD DROP HIM FOR YOU!"

"I DON'T WAN'T YOU TO HANNA!" "HE, he deserves you he is a nice guy and he loves you with every bit that he has. Don't hurt him for me."

"Do you really want to leave me?"

"I will still be here, just not in the same sense."

"Ok, but I still will never stop loving you."

"I wonder how you have so much love. You love three people that must be so exhausting. Because even though you have one the other two are still there in the corner of your heart. Me and Mona."

"Yeah and every moment I recognize myself as selfish for that."

"You aren't selfish, just full of love that you need to express."

"Am I betraying them and you."

"No, they understand, I understand."

Hanna hugs Emily, it's painful and at the same time full of relief for the both of them.

"You need to tell Mona that you still care about what you two had. I am sure she already forgives you. She is just waiting for you to say something."

Hanna nods and whispers back

"I really do miss Mona"

"I know Hanna I know, I feel it."

The embrace slowly breaks apart but the emotions don't. Their emotions still deep beneath the both of them. In total silence Emily walks out through the front door, with no expression on her face. But Hanna can tell that everything is hidden. She doesn't bother to follow behind, it will only make things worst.

While Emily walks home Hanna is still in her living room, gripping the edge of her couch. As she falls apart.

"Then I know you feel this." Hanna whispers to an Emily that isn't there.

Emily's legs give out on her and she falls to her knees, her hands splay across the concrete. The ground soaks up her tears. She manages to whimper out a weak cry to herself.

"Yes I do, I do feel this."


	7. Hurt

Explode

Chapter 7: Hurt

Hanna's POV

Love dissolves everyone it touches. I understand that everything comes to an end. It took me awhile to, but it finally got to me. I just don't want me and her to be like everything else. I don't want an end, but do I deserve it?

Everyday I come across at least one single thought of Emily. That 'what if' question always appears. What if, what if, what if it was Emily. If Emily was the one I was holding right now. It really does bring pain to me to think about it, then it tends to make me smile sometimes. Because I can just feel her here when I talk about her to myself. Or I pretend I am talking to her, it helps keep me sane.

Spencer, the girl that has it all now. She has the world in her hands, she is holding the universe. I envy that more than I can bare at times. I recall it dangerous for the three of us. Me, her and Emily.

This is day one of living without Emily. Though it doesn't feel like living at all.

_Day 1_

Standing in my room contemplating, I wander if I am soon to go insane. I wander how long I can last. These things are for me to find out. Today Caleb came home, exhausted. No smile was on his face, he didn't even take the time to eat. He just went right to bed. I stayed up by myself, watched happy romance movies I thought it would help. I cant tell if it has effected me yet.

_Day 2_

I dreamt about love last night, broken love. You can say it brought a little bit of pain. I manage to come across an abandoned book on my shelf, I decide to read. The title reads...

**100 Quotations To Make You Think**

by Wolfgang Riebe

I come across one that is really pointed towards people like me.

_If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side._

Actually there is a lot that could apply to me.

_65.) Time goes by so fast; people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tel these people how much they mean to you._

Did I ever tell Emily how much I truly care for her, what about Mona, or Caleb. How many hearts have I broke? I regret this. I don't know if I am completely willing to feel this for them. It sounds so bad, and I am ashamed. I am so sorry Mona.

_Day 3_

I can't tell if things are getting easier or harder, but I am trying to find new ways to rid what is in my mind. Reading, writing, drawing, painting, singing, cooking I try everything. I am waiting for some sort of good outcome, I just haven't seen it yet. Caleb is drifting away from me, I don't think I am strong enough to bring him back yet.

Day 4

Caleb is demanding an explanation, I tell him simply "I don't have one"

"How can you not explain this?"

"I just can't, don't make me attempt to."

"Are you hurting Hanna?"

"Yes."

"Why? Who did this? I will..."

"I did this, Caleb."

"What do you mean you did this?"

"I hurt myself by hurting others."

"Was it on purpose?"

"It was for my own selfish reasons."

"You aren't selfish Hanna."

"Your opinion is inaccurate."

"Hanna look at me" He whispers, he picks my chin up slowly and looks straight at me.

"Hanna I can fix this."

"I need to do it on my own."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No but do what you need to do."

"And that is staying right here." He says, as he takes my hand in his palms.

He is another caring person I don't deserve.

He tucks me into bed that night and sings me a peaceful song. And for some reason I can't cry, I can only feel.

Day 7

Caleb works all day today. I walk into my garage and come across wall paint. I paint trees and moons, it gives me peaceful energy. When Caleb comes home I show him. He smiles and kisses me on my forehead.

He reads me a story that night even though he is exhausted. I keep telling him he doesn't have to be he only continues reading until I fall asleep.

I know he loves me.

Day 12

The whole house is painted by now, and it is my universe. Caleb doesn't seem to mind, I think it actually makes him happy. To see the bright colors existing with one another.

Day 14

Caleb doesn't come home tonight, I try to worry but instead I daydream. Of someone who can truly make him happy.

Day 15

Caleb shows up this morning, he smells of roses. He has his hands behind his back. With curiosity I reach behind back he only backs away. He shows me flowers with a card attached to them that reads

_I love you _

"I Love you too"

I make him smile, and it actually makes me smile back.

Day 18

I almost build the courage to call Mona, but I lost it when I thought about if she had a lover. That made her happy.

Day 20

I haven't though about Emily till now but I wander how she has been. I am soon to take her advice of actually trying to contact Mona and succeed.

Day 24

I called Mona today

"Mona"

"Hanna is that you?"

"Yeah"

"I miss you"

"I miss you too"


	8. Blind

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Chapter 8: Blind

Spencer's POV

Emily is close, she is near...I can feel her. Her emotions fill the room even when I am not around. I can just feel it...a sense of happiness and a sense of pain. The happiness wins over but sometimes her guilt comes creeping in from the other side. She makes me the best I can be, I just wander if I do the same for her.

"Em, you ok?"

"Yes I am better than ok. I just feel perfect." She says with a smile I smile back at her even though not all of it is convincing.

I can't imagine what she is feeling, I can't picture myself in her shoes. Because I just don't understand enough to. All I can hint is that she tends to miss Hanna every once in a while. You can tell on the days she does, like today. She doesn't talk that much, she just writes and paints. On these days I give her, her time to rest, and process her feelings. She is still going through a lot. I know she is trying her best to make me happy, but little does she know. Just her existing, makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and I know I am. She makes this possible.

I never ask her to read her writings or to see her paintings, I just get the vibe that it isn't needed to. Those things are the closest thing to her. Its like her own personal therapy, its her way of leaking out the negative and painful thoughts. So I let her be.

I listen to some music in the living room and lounge around. Until my phone starts to ring, I turn down the music and answer the phone.

"Hello"

"Hey is Ems there?"

"Oh Hanna, um..." I question myself what to tell her.

"Yeah she is here, what is it?"

"I was wandering if I can talk... you know what nevermind."

"No its ok, you can talk to her."

"I just want to know if she has been ok."

"Yes she has, but I think she misses you, honestly."  
"Really?"

"Yeah, but Hanna how have you been? We haven't had a real conversation in a while. I think it's weird. I question if we are still friends sometimes." I hear her chuckle a little.

"Of course we are still friends and I agree it has been weird we haven't really talked. Though I am fine, I do find myself missing Emily and you sometimes."

"But mostly Ems though, huh?" She pauses for awhile and takes a deep breath before admitting.

"I'm sorry but yes, I am sure you know why."

"Yes I do and it's ok, I am fine with it now. It is totally reasonable. I know you respect us. That's why you have kept your distance."

"Yeah that's completely true."

"But you don't have to do that anymore, I trust you and I know she needs you too."

"Oh I don't know"

"Are you doubting yourself, doubting that you cant stop from betraying me?"

"No"

"Then I don't know what you are hesitating about."

"Me either."

"Come over then."

"I...I Ok."

"Alright then."

"Bye."

"Bye"

I hope she doesn't make me regret anything. I head to my room to tell Emily the news, she has he head in a book. Which has no title on the front.

"What are you reading?"

"Porn" She says smiling she gives me a teasing look for awhile before saying

"Just kidding it's my journal."

"Oh haha"

"You actually thought I was serious huh?"

"Yeah a little." She closes her journal and sets it aside. To hold out her arms and tell me

"Come here Spencie." She makes me heart flutter as I walk towards her. I stop at the edge.

"What are you doing just standing there, I said come here." She faces towards me when she gets up on her knees.

"I just wanted to tell you..."

"Shhh, just relax." She pulls me into the bed, to lay between her.

"Wow Ems are you ok?"

"Yes, how about you?"

"I am doing just fine right about now."

She smiles up at me, stroking my cheeks. I know I need to tell her that Hanna is coming before it's too late. But damn, you should see the faces she is making at me, and the way her body is moving against mine. Just in the right places. I could just fall into her.

"You feel good, Spencie"

"So do you Em but..."

"But what..."

"This might be the wrong time to say this but Hanna is coming after a while."

"Oh well let's have fun first"

"I'm not sure you are really comfortable with that to tell the truth."

"Why do you think that? Obviously I am showing you I want you. So take me please."

"I want you too."

"You aren't really showing it." I see a look on her face that shows me that she doesn't feel loved or needed right now. And I just don't want her to feel that. She doesn't deserve to feel that.

"I am so sorry, here I will call Hanna and tell her just to come over some other time. We can just take a comfortable little nap together or make love or maybe just talk. It's whatever you want to do."

"All of those things sound great."

"Then all of them it is my love. You know I'll do anything for you right?"

"Of course" She smiles and gives me a cute Eskimo kiss.

It's worth doing anything just to make her smile, because she is just so beautiful and pure. She is worth every single pure thing in this world, no that isn't true. She deserves way more than that. Nothing matches up to. Especially not me that's why I am the luckiest to have her.


	9. Inspiration

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chapter 9: Inspiration

Hanna's POV

"Mona" "Mona I..." I try to practice how to step up to her. I haven't made things right in a very long time. I feel so wrong for that.

I am in my care in front of her house, and damn I wonder if I can take it. Just looking at the house where we realized we were in love. In love, yeah it feels right to say that. I hope she looks out her window to see me here, waiting for her.

I want to make this a beautiful moment.

Soon enough as time slowly passes. Her eyes look down at me as I get out the car. I can see a smile just waiting to happen. But it isn't going to happen so easily.

"MONA!" "I LOVE YOU!" "I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU!" "AND I AM SORRY THAT..."

"HANNA CAN YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I COME DOWN THERE?!"

"NO!" I yell out to her while I start running towards her. Through the front door of her house, up the stairs to the closed door of her lovely room.

"Mona I'm here for you let me in."

I am welcomed with an open door that shows me such a beautiful girl smiling at me.

"Thank you Mona" "Mona I am sorry for leaving you." "I am here to make it up to you." "I am here to take all the pain for you." "And just be here for all the times I should have been."

"Damn you really do love me don't you?"

"Does this answer your question?"

I move ahead to put her face in my hands, to put my lips to hers. A good while to show her my regrets and promises as she shows me what I have been missing. And I am telling you it's a shit load. When I break apart from her to give her air she laughs and smiles and just glows.

"Yes that answers my question Hanna. But I have another one that you can't answer with a kiss."

"What?"

"What about Caleb?"

"I talked to him and he understood. He is just my best friend now."

"So this can be now?"

"Of course. It should have been us to begin with."

A second at a time.

A minute at at time.

An hour at a time.

A day at a time.

A month at a time.

A year at a time.

For eternity I will give every piece back to her. Until there is none left. Even when there is nothing, I will find something. But even then there will still never be enough. To repair her pain from the past. Though I can try with all I am.

AN: Sorry if you didn't like the way the story ended. To be honest I was struggling to finish this. My ideas are just to fast to express.


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